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 Son of god: my version

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perkele

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PostSubject: Son of god: my version   Wed Jun 11, 2014 11:20 pm

Remember that boring Son of God movie which nobody saw? WHAT IF they made a cool movie about Jesus? One that would be dark and edgy and gritty.

Jesus would be a badass vigilante who hunts down the Romans with his 12 disciples band of mercenaries. He has to kill the Roman emperor, who in reality is a minion of the devil. So they go on this epic journey killing all the Romans in their way while spouting off witty one-liners. At some point Jesus resurrects a guy from the dead (or in this case it's a girl, because we have to establish a love interest here)

BUT THEY DON'T REALIZE that Judas is actually a double agent for the emperor. The group gets captured and Jesus is sent to the cross by Pontius Pilate, who is like the emperor's right hand man. So Jesus is on the cross and one of the guards says something like "Guess you're not so high and mighty now huh?" And then Jesus replies "Yeah, I must admit, you did a pretty good job capturing us. One could almost say you... NAILED IT"

At that excact moment he clenches his fists, rips the nails off the cross, jumps down and shoves his hands with the nails still in them into the throats of nearby guards. The Romans surround him and are ready to strike, when he lifts his hand up in the sky and yells "Father, give me power!!!" and then a giant lightning comes down giving him superhuman strength (we don't wanna make this look too much like He-Man, but close enough so people will get the reference.) So Jesus then proceeds to kick everybodys ass. Pontius Pilate is little further back and he tries to flee, but Jesus lifts the cross from the ground and hurls it at Pilate crushing his entire torso.

Jesus and his men then head for Rome, where they finally confront the emperor, who shows his true demonic form, and a massive final battle ensues. The emperor breaths fire and throws shit at Jesus with his mind, but Jesus is able to counter that with his Jesus-powers. One of his disciples tries to sneak up on the emperor, but the emperor dodges and strikes him down. Then Jesus is like "NOOOO!" and the distraction allows him to plunge at the emperor and break is neck.

They have like a little emotional moment where the disciple (Or were they bounty hunters? or something? Shit I don't know anymore) dies on Jesus' arms and gets like a final witty comment or something. But in the end they all get girls and live happily ever after. Jesus however decides it's best to fake his own death and move to Africa, cause he's just feeling too much heat from the Romans now. And after 3 days they dispose of the decoy's body so the Romans can't identify him.

Should i try to sell this to Hollywood?
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AstaKask

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PostSubject: Re: Son of god: my version   Thu Jun 12, 2014 6:52 pm

Well, they did make "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter". I say go for it!
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perkele

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PostSubject: Re: Son of god: my version   Thu Jun 12, 2014 8:50 pm

Ahaha I didn't know that Very Happy I was partially making fun of this trend of movies such as Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, Snow White and the Huntsman, Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, Sherlock Holmes with Robert Downey jr. and so on so forth. (Although I did like the last two)
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Frank Rizzo

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PostSubject: Re: Son of god: my version   Fri Jun 13, 2014 7:06 pm

How is Sherlock with Robert Downey Jr. a warped version?

I could understand if it was, say, Sherlock Holmes: Surf Nazi....
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perkele

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PostSubject: Re: Son of god: my version   Sat Jun 14, 2014 2:54 pm

Frank Rizzo wrote:
How is Sherlock with Robert Downey Jr. a warped version?

I could understand if it was, say, Sherlock Holmes: Surf Nazi....


Well, ok, it's not really. I guess i included it because of the similar style and tone as some of these movies...

You're right, now that I really stop and think about it, I have no idea why I put that in the same category as those others  Shocked
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Skibz

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PostSubject: Re: Son of god: my version   Sun Jun 15, 2014 8:43 am

Well, they inexplicably updated Sherlock Holmes into an action movie star, so it might as well be in the same category.

Weird how all of those examples were utter Hollywood failures, and yet each of the Asylum equivalents were total winners.
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